Dear MELISSA,

With an undisguised look of shock on my face,

It took everything not to break down in tears

As I walked through the doors of circumstances not resembling my expectations.

A year, this month, has gone by since leaving Dallas for Houston.

Still unsettled, zilch has gone as planned.

So many changes that could not have been anticipated in a world gone crazy.

And as much as I appreciate my family sheltering me for a year,

It's time to move on and find my way.

They need their space and I need space of my own again.

However, I don't leave empty handed.

I take with me lessons that come with such fluctuation.

The biggest being a greater appreciation for the importance

Of emotional intelligence in every interaction

And how easy it is for miscommunication and unintended reactions to occur.

This is especially true when you consider all the perceptions in constant competition.

The ability to calmly respond to situations when stress is high is paramount

To effectively managing the constant potential for disruption.

Proficiency begins with accurately understanding others and the situation.

So, as promised, I am returning to the topic of emotional intelligence,

A skill that is ever more vital to successfully

Navigating a world experiencing a radical transformation on every front.

The greater your emotional intelligence, the more effective you will be

In handling the changes and supporting others in doing so as well.

Blessings of a life well lived,

Melissa

P.S. Previous issues can be accessed on my website here: https://melissafairchild.coachesconsole.com/newsletters

Lost in Emotional Intelligence

CEOs are hired for their intellect and business expertise - and fired for a lack of emotional intelligence. ~Daniel Goleman

What's all the Fuss About?

Emotional intelligence is a too complex and encompassing subject to cover thoroughly in a short newsletter. Nonetheless, I will do my best to attempt to adequately introduce and convey the importance of emotional intelligence for a successful life.

Let's start by looking at a few definitions of emotional intelligence, for which there are many.

Salovey and Mayer defined emotional intelligence as “the ability to perceive emotions, integrate emotions to facilitate thought, understand emotions, and regulate emotions to promote personal growth.”

While Daniel Goleman defined emotional intelligence as "the capacity for recognizing our own feelings and those of others, for motivating ourselves, and for managing emotions well in ourselves and in our relationships.”

In functional terms, emotional intelligence is awareness that emotions can steer our behavior and influence people (positively and negatively) and learning how to manage those emotions – both our own and others.

And still Nicky J. Davis teaches, "the heart of emotional intelligence is understanding perceptions. How they are formed. How they trigger emotions. How seeing things through different lenses helps. How perceptions shape our decisions and subsequent actions."

With years of research behind this topic, some studies show that intelligence quotient (IQ) contributes only about 20% to success in life, while the other 80% of success depends on one’s EQ (emotional quotient).

Emotional intelligence affects everything from learning, decision making, and creativity to relationships, health, and performance. So undeniably, it's important to understand what emotional intelligence is and where you could boost yours.

When you have weak emotional intelligence, it limits your ability to manage yourself, others and situations. However, effective emotional intelligence keeps you in charge of your feelings, even when others attempt to push your buttons.

Because of your awareness, you are less likely to be overwhelmed by stressors or react to circumstances and you are more likely to take the time to understand differing perspectives in disagreements.

Furthermore, the benefits of emotional intelligence are numerous and contribute to you being a stronger and more effective leader. Some benefits include:

But if you are lacking in emotional intelligence or just want to improve your skills, where do you begin? Being able to recognize, name, understand and regulate our feelings and emotions is a great place to start. (For more information on identifying emotions, see Dances with Emotions -Vol 1, Iss 12).

I find a common issue is that people who lack personal permission to feel the full spectrum of emotions have difficulty tolerating others expressing their emotions, especially the ones they avoid. This makes them less effective and difficult to trust. They come across as weak and immature and may hide behind a bubbly or controlling persona.

In life, we are too often taught and pressured to withhold or suppress feelings. However, this can have far-reaching and negative consequences. The true power is in understanding, feeling, and expressing them.

For example, many people avoid expressing anger out of the belief and judgment that anger is bad. Some also associate anger with aggression, and fear they will lose control. By ignoring, avoiding and stuffing your anger, you are more likely to express it inappropriately because of the build up that is suddenly released.

By giving your anger a voice, you can then explore what is really behind it and start addressing what you discover.

I used to not own, let alone express, anger out of fear of pushing others away and in trying to be "more mature". Then one day a friend said that he felt I just avoided being vulnerable by hiding my anger. He felt I was being dishonest, which made me less trustworthy.

Expanding your emotional range can feel daunting if you have a habit of avoiding or limiting what emotions you experience yourself or through others. Talking with trusted others and asking questions for clarity can be helpful. Also, working with a coach can be an invaluable investment to assist you in upgrading your skills.

The good news is if you have any of the following characteristics, you likely have a fair or better emotional quotient on which to build from:

Because emotional intelligence is learned, anyone can develop and expand these skills.

The greatest challenge for most is dealing with taxing circumstances while under duress of intense emotions (yours or the others')- such as fear, anxiety, frustration, anger, sadness, or vulnerability. Insecurities are often triggered during such exchanges, causing you to second guess yourself. Even those with high emotional intelligence can find themselves feeling overwhelmed.

As tensions escalate, differences can unravel into full blown conflicts. But with a little digging, you sometimes realize the dispute is just a matter of differing perspectives. At other times, more serious, unresolved issues are revealed.

In either case, it's important to remember you only have control over your perceptions, decisions and actions. Nothing else. From here, taking a stand of curiosity can begin to expose the information required to iron out the real issues, and even establish trust between those involved.

Yes, this can take a lot of work upfront, but the rewards are gifts that keep giving.

Cool Resource

In my 35 years in business I have always trusted my emotions. I have always believed that by touching emotion you get the best people to work with you, the best clients to inspire you, the best partners, and most devoted customers. ~ Kevin Roberts

Permission to Feel

In a world that discourages and even shames us for feeling our emotions, Brene Brown and Dr. Marc Brackett talk about how emotional literacy – being able to recognize, name, and understand our feelings – affects everything from learning, decision making, and creativity, to relationships, health, and performance. Have a listen and see what you think:

If the you are ready to significantly decrease overwhelm, increase your productivity and feel vitally alive again at work and home, maybe it's time to schedule a Time for the Things That Matter Most Strategy Session by clicking on the link. Together, we'll explore what's the next best step for you.

Upcoming Events

Nothing new coming up at this time, but here is a link in case you missed my interview with Sue Wilhite.

Connect With Me

I would love to hear how this newsletter has been helpful to you. Please feel free to respond with your comments or any questions you may have. Also let me know of topics you would like me to discuss in future issues.

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Our Vision: To help Leaders to be Extraordinary by significantly reducing stress and overwhelm so that they are focused, energized and reinvigorated at work and home.

Why We Do What We Do...

"Extraordinary Leadership" is about learning to live fully, instead of focusing all your time on meeting the next deadline. It’s about making room for life, which is meant to be lived joyfully. We guide and support you through this simple, yet powerful, process so that you have time for the things that matter most.

On a Personal Note