Volume 1, Issue 1

Dear MELISSA,

I Quit!
 
Wait a minute. What did I just say? Did that really just slip out of my mouth?
 
In tears, and feeling confused and overwhelmed by the exchange that had just occurred first thing in the morning, I said a prayer in my office. Dear Lord, I am tired. I don’t know what to do. I am giving you my yolk in exchange for yours. Mine is too much to bear. What do I do?
 
I had never been one to pray. Praying always felt awkward and contrived. But in that moment the words came easily and the response was unexpectedly immediate: Quit your job.
 
I had thought about quitting many times, but I was always waiting for so many other things to happen first. I needed my business to take off to replace my income. I needed to sell my home so that I could move and reduce my expenses. I needed more clarity about my purpose.
 
There was always an excuse to stay.
 
But the response was clear: Quit your job. While this message terrified me, it simultaneously felt FREEING. It felt right, not reactive. It felt like truth.
 
Still crying, I called my boss and gave her the news before I had time to change my mind: I Quit.
 
Five months have passed quickly.
 
There have been adjustments. But, gone are the days of coming home exhausted from coping with chronic stress.
 
I now have the energy to learn lots of new things, such as putting together my very first Newsletter. HAPPY DANCE! It’s been fun and challenging.
 
And oh, has it been challenging. I am rewriting this newsletter after nearly completing it. UGH! I lost everything I put together when the internet froze up. But even this experience revealed something new to me.
 
You see before I started down this new road, I would have just given up in defeat, completely dejected and convinced I didn't have what it takes to do my own thing.
 
Instead, I acknowledged my frustration to my support group and immediately started putting the newsletter together again. I found bits and pieces to make the reassembly easier and I remembered enough of what I had done already.
 
This was not the end of the world. This setback was not a sign that I am destined to fail.
 
No, in fact, this incident only reaffirmed that I made the right choice to follow the guidance provided in a moment of prayer. I tolerate so much more because my stress level has decreased as a result of this commitment. HAPPY DANCE!
 
The theme of stress felt right for the first issue. I mean, I am here to support people in reclaiming their life from stress. So, of course, I want to start by introducing what I mean by stress.
 
And, as this incident revealed, I am up to the task in spite of the curve balls life can throw.
 
So, let's get started and optimize your resiliency as well!
 
Blessings of a life well lived,
Melissa

 

What the Bleep Do We Know About Stress?!?

 

 

What is Stress?

Because stress can mean so many things to us at different times (even the pros can't come to a consensus), I put together this broad definition of stress.  The definition is not all encompassing, but provides a general understanding from which to begin. 

STRESS is a natural physical, mental, or emotional tension or pressure experienced when demands exceed the individual's capability to cope and adapt to the circumstances at hand. 

Stress is influenced by your perception of the circumstances, so that you can experience different levels of strain to different situations. Therefore stress can be tied to a specific situation or from the overall circumstances at hand. 

My focus is primarily on the big picture (not a specific situation or event, unless that event is causing challenges in your overall ability to cope with life).  In other words, what all is going on in your life and how are you handling it?

Feeling some challenge can be helpful and good when it motivates you to accomplish a goal.  Too much (which is highly individual), however, taxes us.  You may not even realize when you are pushing your limits. 

Let's be clear, stress is not an indication of weakness or inadequacy.

We all have a set level of time, energy and money (our personal resources) at any given moment.  Stress consumes more of these resources faster. 

The more you have to do or the greater the emotional strain of a specific event, the more your resources are divided to meet all the expectations. 

This is a sure path to burn out if you are not regularly recuperating.

The reality is humans have limitations.  We don't like this, so often push where we should relax. Let me share an all too frequent conversation I have with folks:

Other:  If stress is so normal, then why can't I handle it better?

Me:  Judging that you should be doing better is actually adding to your stress and decreases your ability to cope.  It's a cycle that pulls you in a downward spiral. 

Truth is we all get stressed out at times.  What stresses you out today, may be a piece of cake tomorrow.  But today was overwhelming because you had 10 issues to deal with on 2 hours of sleep.  However, tomorrow you only have 2 issues to address after a full night of restful sleep.

Details matter.

You: Yea, but I learned to give 110% to everything.

Me:  How is that even possible?  You see you have a set amount of time and energy at any given moment.  If you give 110% to something, then you are already overdrawn and in need of recuperation to recharge.  Much like the battery in your phone reading 1 bar, you're on the verge of wipe out.

Continue down this path too long without taking care of your needs, and life will force you to take a break... one way or another.

So let's choose an easier road by taking a moment to learn more about stress, so that you can create some space for you.  It's time to commit to reclaiming your life from stress to make room for more peace, joy and happiness. 

 

Facts About Stress

Regardless of age, sex, ethnicity and religion, we all feel stressed at times. Statistics demonstrate the widespread prevalence of people experiencing stress.

According to The American Institute of Stress:

  • About 33 percent of people report feeling extreme stress;
  • 77 percent of people experience stress that affects their physical health;
  • 73 percent of people have stress that impacts their mental health; and
  • 48 percent of people have trouble sleeping because of stress.

 

Common Causes of Stress

Anything, I mean anything, can cause you to feel stressed.  Even things you are really looking forward to (such as marrying the love of your life or that much anticipated vacation) can contribute to your overall stress. 

Some issues alone may be easy to deal with, but when added to other responsibilities and expectations can leave you feeling pressured.  In fact, the more issues and responsibilities you are addressing in short period of time, the more tension you are likely to experience.

Not sure if you are feeling stressed, make a list of every demand, issue or expectation of you.  Here's a list to get you started.  Because the list is far from exhaustive, complete with your own experiences.  And don't just say relationships, but list each relationship that is stressful.  The longer the list or the more tension and item feels, the greater the stress you are probably under.

  • Money/Finances/Bills
  • Job
  • Unemployed
  • Relationships
  • Children
  • Change of any kind
  • Death of loved one
  • Family problems
  • Physical health issues
  • Mental health issues/Trauma
  • School/Exams
  • Being a caretaker
  • Too much to do
  • Breakups

 

Signs of Stress Overwhelm 

How much is too much?  That's going to vary depending on what is contributing to your stress, your health and mental health at the time, how tired you are, etc etc etc.  The more stressors you are experiencing, the greater likelihood for overwhelm. 

How many signs are you feeling?  What else would you add to the list?

  • Constantly on guard
  • Procrastinating and avoiding responsibilities
  • Chain smoking
  • Waiting for the next shoe to fall
  • Can't perform sexually
  • Feeling depressed
  • Neck and/or shoulder stiffness
  • Keeping people at a distance
  • Over react to situations
  • Can't relax
  • Headaches
  • Can't sleep/Nightmares
  • Using drugs and/or alcohol to cope
  • Can't concentrate
  • Fighting with the partner
  • Feels like your back is against the wall
  • No matter what you do, nothing changes
  • Irritable/cranky
  • Can't keep up
  • Feeling wiped out

 

In the Moment Healthy Stress Relievers

 Whenever you recognize that you are stressed in the moment is the best time to do something about it before situation escalates.  Below are ideas for reducing some pressure to get back on track.  Making a list of anything that works for you can help you to remember to put those stress relievers to work for you. 

  • Stop and breath
  • Take a break from what you are doing
  • Take a walk
  • Exercise
  • Stretch
  • Go easy on yourself
  • Take a nap
  • Take a hot shower/soak in the tub
  • Laughing
  • Talk with someone you trust
  • Let go of what is out of your control
  • Meditation
  • Prayer
  • Any spiritual activity
  • Write a short gratitude list
  • Acknowledge what is working
  • Listen to relaxing music
  • Play your favorite music
  • Journal about what is bothering you
  • Do something fun
  • Ask for help when needed

 

The key to managing stress in the moment is to first be aware you are stressed.  If you are under much stress regularly, that is going to take some bigger steps to bring about lasting changes.  But, being able to manage the stress in the moment is a good place to start. 

 

Cool Resource

So how stressed are you?  I found this simple little stress test on line to help you see. 

Perceived Stress Scale

A more precise measure of personal stress can be determined by using a variety of instruments that have been designed to help measure individual stress levels. The first of these is called the Perceived Stress Scale.

The Perceived Stress Scale (PSS) is a classic stress assessment instrument. The tool helps us to understand how different situations affect our feelings and our perceived stress. The questions in this scale ask about your feelings and thoughts during the last month. In each case, you will be asked to indicate how often you felt or thought a certain way. Although some of the questions are similar, there are differences between them and you should treat each one as a separate question. The best approach is to answer fairly quickly. That is, don’t try to count up the number of times you felt a particular way; rather indicate the choice that seems like a reasonable estimate.

For each question choose from the following alternatives:
0 - never 1 - almost never 2 - sometimes 3 - fairly often 4 - very often

_________ l. In the last month, how often have you been upset because of something that happened unexpectedly?

_________ 2. In the last month, how often have you felt that you were unable to control the important things in your life?

_________ 3. In the last month, how often have you felt nervous and stressed?

_________ 4. In the last month, how often have you felt confident about your ability to handle your personal problems?

_________ 5. In the last month, how often have you felt that things were going your way?

_________ 6. In the last month, how often have you found that you could not cope with all the things that you had to do?

_________ 7. In the last month, how often have you been able to control irritations in your life?

_________ 8. In the last month, how often have you felt that you were on top of things?

_________ 9. In the last month, how often have you been angered because of things that happened that were outside of your control?

_________ 10. In the last month, how often have you felt difficulties were piling up so high that you could not overcome them?

 

Figuring Your PSS Score

You can determine your PSS score by following these directions:

  • First, reverse your scores for questions 4, 5, 7, and 8. On these 4 questions, change the scores like this:  0 = 4, 1 = 3, 2 = 2, 3 = 1, 4 = 0.
  • Now add up your scores for each item to get a total. My total score is ___________.
  • Individual scores on the PSS can range from 0 to 40 with higher scores indicating higher perceived stress.
    • ►  Scores ranging from 0-13 would be considered low stress.
    • ►  Scores ranging from 14-26 would be considered moderate stress.
    • ►  Scores ranging from 27-40 would be considered high perceived stress.

The Perceived Stress Scale is interesting and important because your perception of what is happening in your life is most important. Consider the idea that two individuals could have the exact same events and experiences in their lives for the past month. Depending on their perception, total score could put one of those individuals in the low stress category and the total score could put the second person in the high stress category.

Disclaimer: The scores on the self-assessment do not reflect any particular diagnosis or course of treatment. They are meant as a tool to help assess your level of stress. If you find you are struggling with stress, book a complimentary Reclaim Your Life from Stress Strategy Session by clicking on the left link. 

 

Upcoming Events

Watch in your email for the invitations to join my weekly guided meditations provided via Zoom.  If you are unable to attend the meditations live, the meditations are also recorded.

Apr   5, 2021 01:00 PM
Apr 12, 2021 01:00 PM
Apr 19, 2021 01:00 PM
Apr 26, 2021 01:00 PM
May  3, 2021 01:00 PM

 

Connect With Me

I would love to hear how this newsletter has been helpful to you.  Please feel free to respond with your comments or any questions you may have.  Also let me know if there is a topic you like more information on in future issues. 

Visit our website and social media for more resources and information:

Facebook: https://www.facebook.com/MelissaFairchild.LCSW
Website: https://melissafairchild.coachesconsole.com/
LinkedIn: https://www.linkedin.com/in/melissa-fairchild-lcsw-525b9828/
Free Report: https://melissafairchild.coachesconsole.com/

 

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Our Vision: To help one million individuals and families to develop more love, joy, peace and happiness through living their best lives.

 

Why We Do What We Do...

"Reclaim Your Life from Stress" is about learning to live fully, instead of surviving from one crisis to the next.  It’s about making room for life, which is meant to be lived joyfully.  We don’t push pipe dreams.  We guide and support you through this simple, yet powerful, process to building a peaceful, resilient life one step at a time.